AniDate
by C M Forde
Summary: Ani-Date, the video dating service for Anime characters. See your favorite characters put on the spot, like it or not. (In order: Sorcerer Hunters, Trigun, Excel Saga, Inuyahsa, Hellsing, Ruroni Kenshin.)
1. Sorcerer Hunters

**Disclaimer: I, Carrie Forde, do hereby swear that none of this is mine, no characters, no real life folks, not even my own clothes (I borrowed them from my cousin).  Therefore, no one can sue me over this hootenanny of a fan fic.**

**Ani-Date****: Sorcerer Hunters**

Video #276: Carrot Glace.

A young man with black spikey hair sits in a chair picking his nose.  He wears a green tank top and tan pants with a sword strapped to his waist.  "So when do we start this thing?"

"The camera's already on sir."

"It is?  Oh, crap."  He removes his finger from his nose and smiles, flicking a booger off to one side.  "Hi, my name is Carrot and I like girls.  Not just any girls though, I like super hot sexy women with huge boobs and long legs and tight asses.  It also helps if they've got pretty faces, but if not I can always just put a bag over their heads."  He grins and points at the camera, "So if any of you babes out there fit this description call me, I'm always available.  In fact, if you've got a friend that fits this description, have her call me, or a sister…  Hey, I like twins too!  If you're hot and have a twin sister don't bother calling, just show up!  Unless you're Chocolat, if you're Chocolat go jump off a cliff or something."  He smiles and lies back in the chair lazily, "Now the babes will flock to me like sheep."  He looks around and frowns, "By the way, where's the bathroom?  I've got this rash down there and I need to put some ointment on it."

"Sir, The camera's still on…"

"Son of a-"

Video #247: Gateau Mocha.

A large man with perfectly styled short blonde hair and body builder muscles smiles at the camera.  "Hi, I'm Gateau and I like long walks on the beach, sunsets, and beautiful things.  If you're not beautiful, don't bother, you could never have a perfect hunk of man like myself."  He says nothing after this and just smiles.

            "Is that it sir?"

            Gateau seems confused, "Is there supposed to be more?"

            "Well sir, you're supposed to tell us about yourself."

            "I did, I told them I was perfect."

            "Well, you're actually supposed to try to sell yourself to the people who would be watching."

            The large blonde idiot nods, "Ah, of course.  Excuse me."  He pulls off his jacket and shirt then stares at the camera and flexes, "LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!!"

Video #326: Tira Misu

A cute young redhead with overly large rose tinted glasses and a crimson cloak blushes nervously.  "Erg…I can't believe I'm doing this…  What am I supposed to say again?"

            "Just tell them your name and your interests."

            "Umm…okay…  I'm Tira, and I like umm…"  She swallows again and turns bright red, "Oh…I like the beach…and umm quiet places…"  She bites her lip and scrunches her hands together, "Oh no…I'm ruining it…"

            "It's alright ma'am, just try and relax."

            Tira starts to speak when a blonde in glasses dive tackles her from off camera, "Mine!"  The camera gets knocked over and the last thing visible is Tira getting forcibly stripped by the blonde.  "No one else can have you, you're all mine!"  Evil laughter cackles until the camera finally shuts off and dies.

Video #265: Chocolat Misu

A very pretty redhead in a black halter-top and a jacket frowns at the camera.  "I'm Chocolat and I like Darling.  If you're not Darling then I don't care.  Please die."

            "Umm…ma'am, I don't think that this is going to work…"

            "Why not?"

            "Well, this is to help you find someone, not to get someone you already know."

            "But I don't want someone else, I want Darling."

            "I understand that but I don't think you're getting me…what are you doing?"

            The rest of the video contains violent images of Chocolat torturing an Ani-Date employee.

Video #255: Marron Glace

A very very pretty young man in a white set of Japanese style robes and with very long black hair swallows quite audibly and twitches his fingers before looking around like a cute little bunny about to get slaughtered by some kind of vicious animal.

            "Sir, the camera's rolling..."

            Marron just seems to get more nervous.

            "Sir, you're going to have to talk."

            "..."

            "Are you alright sir?"

            After a very long pause Marron finally speaks, "Am I gay?!"

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Author's Note: Yes, the blonde was me.  Yes it was a self-insertion fic.  No I don't care!  Anyway, that sums it up for the first installment of Ani-Date.  If you enjoyed it, or even if you didn't, please review.  Just like PBS, these quality stories will not be put out without support from readers like you.  Next time: Trigun.


	2. Trigun

Disclaimer: Alrighty, here we go. No ownie Vash, no ownie Legatto, no ownie Meryl, no ownie Wolfwood *Fangirlish sobs of torment*. But Ani-Date is mine, well mine and Mo's, but she said I could have it so huzzah!

  
  
  
  


Ani-Date: Trigun

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Video #122: Vash the Stampede.

  
  


A fairly handsome man with amazingly spikey blonde hair sits in the chair before the camera. He has startlingly aquamarine eyes and a very dashing smile. His long red trenchcoat seems to hide his overall scrawniness, and he cooly pushes a very pimp pair of sunglasses up on his nose with the finger of one gloved hand. When he does this he accidentally slips and jabs himself in the eye, resulting in loud girlish screaming.

"Uhh sir?"

Vash looks up and starts laughing like a raving lunatic. "Mwahahahahahaha!!!! Hahahaha...hahaha..ha... I did that on purpose..." He scratches the back of his hand and frowns at the camera. "I'm never going to get a date."

"Sir, that's a pretty bad outlook on life."

He sighs, "To tell you the truth I don't think I really even deserve one. Look at me, I didn't get a $$60,000,000,000 bounty on my head for being a nice guy. I'm a danger to society, to everything. I only deserve to live because everything deserves at least that. All I do is bring pain and suffering to those around me. I'm a worthless piece of trash who doesn't deserve to be loved. Rem, Rem what should I do? I don't know-" He is violently cut off as Nicolas D Wolfwood stomps in and jabs a fist in the side of Vash's face.

"You spikey headed pansy! Quit whining and get some ass!"

  
  
  
  


Video #78: Legatto Bluesummers.

  
  


A fangirl's dream sits very calmly and very quietly in the chair before the camera. He smiles slightly and the all time coolest theme music starts playing, that whole distortion riff going on. It just screams 'Look at me, I'm so evil it's sexy.' He has jet black hair that hangs casually over one of his pair of golden eyes, and his long white coat is adorned by a series of spikes sticking out of one shoulder, it's all creepy.

"Uhh...is that a real human skull?"

Legatto looks at his jacket for a second and then back at the camera, "Why? Look like someone you know?"

"Err...no...umm...anyway, describe yourself."

Legatto just smiles, "I am Legatto Bluesummers, and I could kill everyone you have ever known with a mere thought. In fact I find the concept rather thrilling."

"Right...well anyway sir, what kind of person are you looking for?"

Legatto stops for a second and seems to twitch his eyebrow, "W-what kind...of...p-p-person?" 

"Yeah, what are you looking for in a date?"

Now Leggatto's whole face starts to twitch and his head begins to jerk spasmodically to the side, "W-w-w-w.......I-I-I-I...Nerrr......."

"Umm...sir?"

With a sound somewhere between chocking on his own throat and swallowing a live piglet Legatto snaps and curls up into a fetal position, gently rubbing his hand and saying, "Knives. Knives. Knives. Knives..."

  
  
  
  


Video#123: Nicolas D Wolfwood.

  
  


Wolfwood sits back sprawled in the chair, possibly the coolest priest to ever walk the planet. Despite the ratty hair and huge nose, he has a kind of roguish good looks to him. His eyes are hidden behind a pair of dark sunglasses and a bent cigarette burns between his lips. His black shirt, with obligatory white butterfly collar, hangs open to reveal some choice man-cleavage. "Hey."

"Alright sir, what do you like in a woman?"

Wolfwood arches an eyebrow and cooly pulls down his shades, "What do I like?" He laughs almost and pulls the cigarette from his mouth, showing off the nifty cross cufflinks as he does. "What do I like?" He says it like a joke, then leans forward and looks right into the camera. "Well..." 

And BAM! He's out of the chair and doing possibly the worst white boy dance in human history. "I like big butts and I cannot lie! You otha brothas can't deny. When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a big thing in your face you get sprung!" He is immediately halted by a haymaker from the newly entered Vash the Stampede.

"You perverted giant nosed freak!"

  
  
  
  


Video#129: Meryl Strife.

  
  


A fairly pretty young woman with short black hair sits very straight and honest looking in the chair. She has oceanic blue eyes and a very serious, though polite, demeanor. She wears a white cape over most of her body, but navy blue tights cling to her legs like shrink wrap before they come to white riding boots. Strangely, she seems very calm and capable, not to mention sane, a rarity in Ani-Date videos.

"Please state your name Miss."

She nods, "My name is Meryl Strife."

"Alright, this is going surprisingly well... Well tell us what you would like in a partner."

She puts her finger to her chin for a moment to think and begins to list things off. "Well he'd be tall, blonde, with kind of spikey hair. I don't like long haired men, and spikes are kind of sexy. Anyway, he'd be very modest, but have a great sense of humor. He'd be great with kids, and I guess a little goofy, men are cuter that way. He'd have to be able to protect me, not that I can't handle myself but sometimes things can get a little too big for me and I'd love someone who could come rescue me when I'm in danger. I like earrings, provided they're tasteful. And oh yeah! He'd have to wear red, it really brings out his eyes..."

"Well ma'am, I think you're in luck actually. We just had a guy come in earlier today who fits that description perfectly! Let me see, his name was...umm...Vash! Vash the Stampede!"

Meryl instantly turns into uber bitch mode, "VASH THE STAMPEDE?!?!?!?! WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT THAT NOODLE NOGGIN?! HE'S STUPID, INCOMPETENT, LAZY, USELESS..." This continues on and on for quite a while until Vash can be heard screaming off camera.

"Oh crap, she's lost it again! We have to save that employee!"

"Yeah! We have to use *Pause for dramatic effect* The Secret Weapon!"

"I don't know, is it really that bad?"

On camera Meryl is strangling the helpless Ani-Date employee. "Yes, it's that bad..."

Even as the employee begins to pass out Meryl is suddenly pelted from all sides by hundreds of boxes of Midol while Vash and Wolfwood scream, "Because your period's more than a pain!"

  
  


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Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed Volume Two of The Ani-Date files, sorry it took so long to post up, but I'm currently writing Hard Candy and converting Renegade Sun from notebook to computer. Either way, it's no excuse and I seek your humble apologies. Next Time: Excel Saga. Not very popular, but only because it hasn't been around the US long enough. And trust me, it's going to be weird.


	3. Excel Saga

Disclaimer: Alright here''s the deal yung''uns, that''s Texan for chilluns, which is Alabama for younger folk. Due to a lack of resources, good ideas, and the fact that No one knows what Excel Saga is, I have decided to change this episode to something more popular. So without further ado, Ani-Date Volume Three: Dragon Ball Z!!! And I don''t own any of this, except Super Fred. 

  
  
  
  


Ani-Date: Excel Saga 

  
  
  
  


Video #356: Excel Excel 

  
  


A weirdly alluring young woman sits cross legged in the chair, one fanged tooth protruding from the right side of her lopsided smile. She has stunning green eyes, wheaten blonde hair and shoulder pads you could launch an F-16 off of. She raises one fist and screams out, "Excel is ready to go!"

"Umm……alright……"" 

The employee is about to speak again, but Excel kind of starts up and doesn't stop, her entire speech coming in at hyper-sonic speed. "Yes, Excel will go with the flow! That is unless the flow is down a toilet, that would be nasty. But then again that would lead to the sewers, which would lead me to my dearest Lord Ilpalazzo! Oh Lord Ilpalazzo, my dreamy super hunk of sharp cheddar cheese on rye bread! Yes, you loyal Excel will do anything for your heart of hearts, for your wonderousness of wonderousness, even eat a farphugnuegen, if I ever find out what a farphugnuegen is. Either way, I am always here ready to embrace your thick chunk of man chicken, take me, I''m yours!"" Without any warning except the fact that the girl is obviously insane, Excel rips open her top and flashes what God graced her with to the camera. "Hail Ilpalazzo!!!" 

"Ma'am, put those away!" 

Excel doesn't listen, instead she hops out of the chair and runs straight towards the door, unfortunately she trips on an electrical wire before getting there and plunges head first into a tragically placed pool of piranha. She screams out as her flesh is stripped from bone, "No, not again! You people enjoy watching this pretty girl die too much! Ahhhh!" 

  
  
  
  


Video #357: Hyatt Ayasugi 

  
  


A pale beauty sits very properly in the chair, her hands folded calmly in her lap as she smiles at the camera. She has dark hair and eyes, wears a short skirt and also sports those amazingly oversized shoulder pads. Her head tilts to the side and she speaks, her voice very soft and feminine. "Are you ready to start sir?" 

"Yes ma''am, thank you." 

She nods politely, "You're welcome." She seems about to speak, but is caught up in a very disturbingly attractive coughing fit that leaves a lot of blood splattered across the camera lens.

""Ma'am, are you alright?" 

"Yes, I'm fine. *Hack Cough Vomit*" Hyatt turns a deathly pale, quivers for a moment, and then collapses off of the chair, deader than Pee Wee Herman's career. 

"Oh my God, somebody call an ambulance!" 

In response to the employee's scream for help, Excel walks into the shot and grabs Hyatt by the arm, dragging her across the floor, "You've really got to stop doing this Ha-chan, you're heavier than you look." 

"What the hell?! How is this possible? Didn't you just die?!"

Excel drops Hyatt and shrugs with a smile, "Blame the Commie Pinkos." 

  
  
  
  


Video #389: Iwatta 

  
  


A fairly average looking man sits in the chair, the only thing about him that isn't average is his hair, probably the spikiest hair in history, and that's saying something for brown hair. The other thing that's readily noticeable about this man are his eyes, they gleam with something that might be intelligence, but most likely is just insanity. "I am IWATTA!!!" 

"Ok sir……what do you want in a partner?"

Iwatta immediately stands up in his chair, and in the only Dragon Ball Z reference so far cocks his arms back like he's powering up, "My woman shall be a woman among WOMEN!! Together we shall join hands and declare our love ETERNAL!!!" He thrusts one finger at the camera, "We shall be together forever, our love will conquer the HEAVENS!!!!" He strikes yet another dramatic pose, "Join with me and we shall never be parted, MISAKI MATSUYA!!!!! Be with me forever my love, ROPONMATSU!!!!!" He seems about to rant some more, but a very striking redhead walks into the shot and delivers him a beautiful right hook that sends him flying off into the back wall. Misaki nods in satisfaction and walks back out of the camera shot as Iwatta tries to put his nose back together.

"Thank you ma'am." 

  
  
  
  


Video #384: Puuchu 

  
  


The cutest little thing anyone's ever seen stands in the chair. It''s only about a foot tall, is banana yellow, wears a diaper and is holding a rug beater. It dances around on the chair oh so cutely and looks at the camera with its super cute beady little eyes. "Puuchu!" 

"Aww, aren't you the cutest thing ever?"

"Puuchu!" 

"Puuchu!" 

"Oh, now there are two of you, how precious!"

"Puuchu!" 

"Puuchu!" 

"Puuchu!"

"Look, three……five……twelve……fifteen?" The camera is knocked over by the swarming Puuchus and provides the perfect shot of The Ani-Date Employee dog piled by little aliens and being beaten with his own severed limbs. It's so cute. 

  
  


Video #388: Watanabe 

  
  


A very very average looking man sits in the chair now. He doesn't have crazy eyes or anything, he's perfectly sane looking. His only feature that makes him any different than your average Joe Nobody is his black hair, fairly long for a man, hanging at about the level of his chin. "Ok, we're ready to go now?" 

"Yes sir, whenever you're ready. Just state your name and tell me what you'd like in a partner." 

Watanabe slumps, "Well actually, I already have someone who I'd like to have as a partner. I had heard that she came here to do a video so I'm hoping that you'll let me make one just for her, if that''s alright." 

"Well, it's unusual, but I guess it's alright."

He nods, "Thank you so much." Watanabe then turns to the camera and his face takes on a pleading expression, "Miss Ayasugi, it's me Watanabe. I've been afraid to tell you how I've felt, but ever since the day I met you crawling along the ground outside my apartment I've been hopelessly in love. I can't tell you how thrilled I am that you turned out to be my neighbor. Every part of your body makes me tremble with love, your legs, your lips, your hips. Oh Miss Ayasugi please, promise to be mine, I have a job and can support you and take care of you. I will never forget our ride on that rocket ship and how much you seemed to be enjoying yourself, Miss Ayasugi please!" He continues on like this for a while before trailing off into a happy comatose like stupor with a dumb smile on his face. 

"That was very nice sir, bravo. You can go now." 

"Miss Ayasugi's swelling busom……" 

"Excuse me sir?" 

Watanabe snaps back to reality, "Huh,what?" 

"Sir, you can go now." 

"Umm actually I'd rather not……" 

"Sir, you have to go, other people are waiting to go." 

"I can't." 

"Why not?" 

"I don't think it's a good idea for me to stand up just now……" 

In the background a man in a blue jacket with an afro is being dragged away by police, "I swear, it was Super Fred! You have to believe me!!!" 

  
  
  
  
  
  


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Author's Note: Ha, like I'd really do a Dragon Ball Z fic, there's only one good joke there. Yes, the mystery of Super Fred, well you''ll just have to wait to figure that one out. Anyway, up next time is the amazingly numerously requested Inuyasha. This will be a joint project between yours truly and The Narrator, being as I know nothing about Inuyasha and she's crazy about it. Well, as always, I hope you enjoyed yourself, lord knows I did. And Mo, don't worry, your turn in the spotlight's coming up. Sorry it took so long, but there were massive deletions and I actually lost this story for a few months. But don't worry, they'll be coming out more regularly now.

  
  


-Carrie Michelle Forde 


	4. Inuyasha

Disclaimer: Well here today is what everyone's been waiting for, and no it's not Dragon Ball Z. Inuyasha, everybody's favorite Cat Boy. 

Narrator: HE'S A DOG!!!!! 

Whatever. This is a joint work between myself and The Narrator who is loaning me Bob, the laptop. Well, anyway, here we go with Ani-Date Volume Four: Inuyasha. And by the way, I still only own Super Fred. 

Narrator: I don't even own him… But Bob is mine! I own Bob! *Huggle* I love you Bob. 

Ani-Date: Inuyasha 

Video #0: Inuyasha 

Sitting in the chair is a severely pissed off hanyou, whatever that is. He's wearing a red outfit that's somehow reminiscent of MC Hammer. He's got the most squeezable little ears too, they're just so fuzzy. He growls something under his breath to the likes of 'damn' this or 'curse' that.

"Let's begin. Tell me Mr. Inuyasha, what do you look for in a woman?" 

Inuyasha just blinks and then looks like he's think really hard. "Sir, the video's running." "Shut up I'm thinking!" Suddenly a look comes on his face, one could almost imagine a very very dim light bulb coming flickering to life over his head. "I know! What I look for in a woman is, she has to be very quiet, won't boss me around and always does what I tell her to." He nods and crosses his arms happy with his answer, "Oh, and she has to make good ramen." 

"Says here that you currently have two girlfriends." A slight pause. "One whom is dead." 

"Your point? Dead women don't talk." 

"According to your profile she's animated by witch magic and has almost taken you to hell." 

Inuyasha blinks, "She makes good ramen…" 

"So you prefer dead women over live women." 

Before the dog boy can talk a blonde in glasses walks in and stands in front of Inuyasha with her hands on her hips. He blinks yet again and seems about to say something when she grabs his ears and gives them a good rub, "Ooh, soft…" 

Inuyasha frowns, "Hey let go lady!" 

She stops, slaps him square across the face and frowns, "Bad necrophiliac! No cookie!" Then she walks back out of the shot without another word. 

Video #1: Kagome Higurashi A very cute looking school girl in her mini-skirted green fuku sits in the chair with a happy smile waiting to be asked her questions. The outfit kind of points her out as jail bait, but that's probably what she's going for. "I'm ready to go."

"So Miss Higurashi, what do you look for in a partner?" 

She flips her hair back and stares off at the ceiling with dreamy eyes, holding her own hand, "He has to be sweet and sensitive and he has to be respectful to my every need. He has to be smart and really good at conversation because I like interesting men; they really know how to talk to a girl and make her feel special." 

"So you don't like loud mouthed arrogant rude selfish men who only think about using you to fulfill a quest, get hold of a magical item that will give them the ability to become a full demon and ask you to make them ramen?"

Kagome frowns, "Of course not, even if they have cute widdle puppy ears." 

"Oh good because we've found a guy wandering around the parking lot who matches your ideal perfectly. Hey, send that Hojo kid in here." 

Kagome freezes and gets that deer in the headlights look, you know, if the deer was actually in the headlights and vomiting. "Umm…I just remembered, I have a…a…a… I have to…umm…planned parenthood! I have to get a pap smear, you never know when that breast cancer will sneak up and bite you in the umm…boob. Bye!" And she's gone. 

Video #7: Miroku 

A very suave looking young man in monk's garb sits in the chair with a pleasant smile waiting expectantly for the interviewer to begin. His right hand is covered with a kind of half glove wrapped in white prayer beads, but he's just so smooth it doesn't look dorky. 

"Mr. Miroku, what do you-" 

He interrupts very politely, "Before you ask me these questions would you mind if I asked you one?" 

"Sure…umm...whatever." 

"Will you bear my child?" 

Awkward silence. "…No." 

He sighs, "Ok, you may continue." 

"I'm going to go out on a limb here and say what you look for in a woman is someone who's willing to bear your child." 

"Yes, exactly! And it'd help if she were pretty too, what with genetics and all that." 

"You're a Buddhist monk from feudal Japan and you know about genetics?" 

"Yes, and I've got my own dating video too. Aren't plot holes wonderful?" 

"Yes…about the genetics thing, you do realize that your children will be born with black holes in their hand." 

"All the more reason to have a good looking mother. That way they don't have to worry about it, pretty people get everything their way. It's one thing I've noticed about human nature as a Buddhist monk, people will do anything for a fine piece of ass." 

Video #12: Sango 

A very attractive young woman, her hair in a high pony tail wearing a skin-tight black cat suit (no tail or white stitching, it just looks sort of like Michelle Pfeifer's costume in "Batman Returns") accented with pink shoulder armor. She sits gracefully into the chair and rests her seven foot tall boomerang on the floor beside her. "Ok, begin." 

"Miss Sango, what do you look for in a partner?" 

She sits very straight, "I want a man who's very strong, yet very gentle. He must be able to fight demons and lead people like my father did. He should also be a gentleman. He doesn't have to be rich, but it's important that he be able to maintain a household where we can raise children to be demon exterminators who will protect people and…" Well this lasts about five minutes. 

"Miss Sango, ahem. Your description of this man obviously shows that you've put a lot of thought in it, but can I ask you a more personal question?" 

"Alright." 

"What's your policy on monks who grope women and ask them to bear his child five seconds after meeting them?" 

Sango's eyes narrow dangerously, she's got that look like something that waits in the tall grass, only its ears visible, waiting to pounce and enact swift deadly justice, "Who asked you to ask that?"

"Umm…uhh…are you gonna hurt me?" 

"No, I'm going to hurt somebody else." She picks up her boomerang and stomps out of the shot, hell's fury crackling in her eyes. 

Off camera there is a loud slap followed by very distinct yelp of pain, and then a very calm voice can be heard to say, "Oh Sango-chan, you came for me!" 

Video #18: Shippo 

A cute little fuzz ball of a kid sits in the chair blinking oh so very cutely. His red hair is pulled back in a blue hair tie and his big bushy fox tail just begs to be pet. 

"Awww…." It seems that a glomping is imminent, but a thwap can be heard off camera followed by Carrie's voice. 

"No! Bad Employee! No cookie!" 

Shippo just kinda sits there confused until the interviewer's dejected sounding voice comes on, "Alright Shippo-chan, you cute little thing you, what do you look for in a partner?" 

He's obviously still confused, not the brightest thing on two legs, "What?" 

"What do you want your girlfriend to be like honey child?" 

"Girlfriend?! Eww, cooties!!!" 

"Umm…how old are you?"

"I dunno." 

"Why are you on the show then?" 

"I dunno, but this lady said something about candy." 

From off camera comes an evil giggling, "Hehehe…it's all going according to plan…" A redhead suddenly runs into the shot holding a bloody axe over her head. "Mwahahahahaha!!! Lunch time!!!!!" Mo proceeds to chase the little morsel around the chair for a few seconds, hacking the wooden piece of furniture to tiny bits. "Don't run, it'll only hurt until you die!!!" 

Video #37: Sesshomaru 

A regal-looking inu-youkai strides onto the set and seats himself in the chair facing the camera, practically oozing a haughty "look-'cuz-I'm-so-sexy" air that makes fangirls scream and faint. He tosses his long, snow-white hair over his shoulder and looks boredly at the camera, as though he has better things to do, such as slaughtering a village of filthy, helpless humans. 

"Okay, Sesshy-poo…" 

Sesshomaru arches an eyebrow, but otherwise, his expression remains deadpan. "What did you call me?" 

"Sesshy-poo, why?" 

"That is not my name." 

"Whatever you say, Fluffy…" 

Sesshomaru performs an eye-twitch with flawless ease, and then, suddenly, the chair is vacant. Crashes and loud screaming and the occasional bloody-thirsty howl can be heard offstage, and just as suddenly, Sesshomaru is back in his chair, not a hair out of place and just a tiny dribble of blood on a protruding fang. "Now, you may continue this farce." 

"Y-yes, Sesshomaru…" 

Another eyebrow arch.

"…-sama. What do you look for in a woman, if I may humbly ask your lordship?" 

"It's very simple," Sesshomaru replies, holding up a clawed finger, "She must be a full-blood youkai who will bear me strong children…" 

"You and a certain monk would get along swimmingly…" 

"I wasn't finished, human. And she must be as radiant as a winter dawn, or I'll keep her in the dungeons." 

"…okay. So, you have no interest whatsoever in human girls." 

"None. They're weak and pitiful, and I'd never lower myself…" 

"SESSHY-POO!!!" In yet another one of the random insertions that plague this fic, Kanashimi bursts onto stage in full omnipotent dominatrix glory. A mad grin on her black painted lips, she launches herself at Sesshomaru, who dodges with his demon speed. "Ohohohoho!! My little puppy wants to play, does he?" Kanashimi chuckles. She pulls a whip out of Hammerspace and licks it. Sesshomaru's eyes get a teeny bit wider. "'Tag' it is!!!" The camera is blacked out to prevent any viewers from getting nosebleeds, but Sesshomaru can be distinctly heard screaming for mercy like a little girl. 

Video #108: Kikyou 

A solemn-faced miko glides out onto the stage and gracefully seats herself in the chair. She stares at the camera and announces, "I demand that you stop hiding Inuyasha from me. It is time for him to come with me to Hell where can live with our love throughout eternity." 

There is an awkward pause. "Ummm, you're dead right?" asks the voice of the interviewer. 

Kikyou looks slightly miffed at this question. "Yes, but that doesn't matter. Inuyasha is mine and he must come with me to Hell." 

"Riiiiiight. But just out of curiosity, what's it like being dead? Don't you miss breathing?" 

"I don't think about it. Where's Inuyasha?" 

"What about food? Don't you ever get hungry? And if you do, what do you eat?" 

Kikyou has gone from solemn poker face to slightly irked. "What is the point of these questions. Are you going to give me Inuyasha or not?" 

"Um…no. By an unofficial poll taken while you were in the dressing room, you have been labeled "Dead Bitch Walking," so we decided that it would be best to send you on your way." The sound of a flushing toilet is heard and Kikyou suddenly drops out of sight through a trapdoor with flames shooting out of it. 

"I love my job," says Carrie dreamily 

  


Video #54: Kouga

  


There's no real video to this one, just about five minutes of footage of the employee, in a C-131 Spectre tee shirt, cross tackling a young wolf demon in a kilt and violently tearing his clothes to pieces. She screams, "Man beef! Gotta get me some of that man beef! Give it up! Give up that beef!"

  
  
  
  


__________

Author's Note: And the long awaited Inuyasha Anidate is finally finished. Thanks a lot to The Narrator, Kanashimi, Mo, and of course, me, without whom none fo this would've been possible. I know there were a hell of a lot of random appearances in this one, and it was really long, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. First of the blonde, as always, was me, the redhead was Mo, the trademark Spectre tee shirt belongs to The Narrator, and...well...Kanashimi's pretty obvious isn't she? Next time: Hellsing. The impure souls of the living dead shall be banished forever into eternal damnation. Amen. Sounds exhilarating!


	5. Hellsing

Disclaimer: I do hereby denounce any accusation that I own any kind of material pertaining to Hellsing. Well, except this fan-fic, and any others I may write. But I do not own any of the characters, events, or overly large firearms contained within Hellsing. No matter how cute I think Victoria is.... Thank you for your time.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Ani-Date: Hellsing

by

C M Forde

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Video #723: Seras Victoria

  
  


A young woman with short blondish red hair sits in the chair staring at the camera with deep crimson eyes. Her hands are folded in her lap, and she is dressed about the way a normal woman would dress. When she speaks, it's with a soft British accent, "So then, we're starting?"

"Yes ma'am. So tell us, what are you looking for in a mate?"

She pauses to think for a moment, "Well, I would like someone with a good heart, handsome, kind, generous... Most assuredly not Catholic, and preferably with blood type O positive."

"O positive ma'am?"

"Yes, it has a light creamy flavor that I find rather appetizing."

"Alright....umm...So anyway, why don't you tell us a little about yourself."

She nods, "Well, I'm nineteen, work in a secret military organization that rids the world of vampires and other unsavory things, I have a wonderful master who always takes care of me, and I'm dead."

"Err...did you say dead?"

"Yes, I'm dead, so if you could get a necrophiliac then that would be just wonderful."

"Can you make good ramen?"

"I guess so..."

"Then do we have the guy for you!"

  
  
  
  


Video #723: Integra Wingates Hellsing

  
  
  
  


An azure haired woman sits in the chair, very formal and stern looking behind a pair of large, but still stylish glasses. She is chewing on a cigar and seeming quite a bit perturbed being here, but from the way she is sitting it looks like she might be perturbed just about anywhere. "Can we please get this finished, I have things to do."

"Yes ma'am, right away."

She scoffed, "You will call me sir."

"Sir? But aren't you a woman?"

"I am Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing and you will do as I command!"

"Oh, right away Sir, my apologies."

She snorted and looked at the camera, sir wouldn't be too hard to call her, some of the Ani-Date employees could be heard in the background collecting money from bets. "I told you it was a guy!"

Integra snarled, "I am not a man!"

"But you said you were a sir..."

"It's a title!"

"I thought that they only gave that to men."

She groaned, "Will someone please shoot this idiot..." Three gunshots are heard offstage and Integra points at the camera, "Can we confiscate that?"

  
  
  
  


Video #852: Alucard

  
  


A tall man in red, that's the only real way to describe him. Dark hair, orange glasses, and lots and lots of red, even unto his horridly ugly hat. When he smiles it's full of glistening white teeth that seem more like fangs than anything else really, pretty damn scary. "Let's begin."

"Umm...okay...sir..."

Alucard laughed, "Ha! Are you afraid of me lowly Ani-Date employee. Are you frightened because your brethren seem to die so often and no one mourns them? Do you believe that I shall sink my fangs into your neck and drink of your life to fulfil my own? Do you fear the death that will come so exquisitely as your blood flows from your veins down my throat and into my very being. Are you scared that you shall be my next warm meal? Do you want to die, Ani-Date employee? Or are you so very terrified of your tiny life coming to an end that you are dancing around like that just to try to amuse me? Hopping from leg to leg in a vain attempt to gain my favor from clowning? Is that it Ani-Date Employee? Is that it?"

"Actually sir, I kind of have to pee."

"........Oh......alright then...."

"Thank you sir!"

  
  
  
  


Video #822: Walter Kumm Dorne

  
  


The man in the chair is old, slightly balding, and rather...well fatherly looking to tell the truth. He is dressed like a butler, and wears a monocle over his eye. "So then, we shall be beginning?"

"Yes sir. Yell me, what would you like in a partner sir?"

Walter wasted no time in his answer, "I would like someone that I could take care of. A person who needs my attentions really, one that I could serve."

"Right then, so kind of a mistress then?"

"Yes, a strong mistress who can give me orders and isn't afraid to put me in my place if I do wrong. One that would punish me for my mistakes." Some kind of longing glint comes into his eyes, "Yes, punish me, that's all I want. Yes, with a riding crop, lashing over my firm buttocks over and over again. Yes mistress, take me mistress. Harder mistress! Harder! Walter's been a bad butler! Yes he has! YES HE HAS!"

"Umm...can we stop the camera....someone...please...anybody..."

  
  
  
  


Video #523: Father Alexander Anderson

  
  


A tall man sits in the chair, dressed mostly in white with a large cross dangling from a lanyard about his neck. He is very tan, blonde, and as what looks to be almost a five o'clock shadow going on, one thick scar running up the side of his face. He wears a pair of glasses over his face and his grin is just downright scary. "Let's start this up."

"Alright, what are you looking for in a partner?"

"Well there is this one altar boy..."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


__________

Author's Note: I know, I know. That last one was not only a cheap shot, it was wrong on about fifty different levels. But c'mon, it was soooooo easy, I just couldn't pass it up. Anyway, thanks for all the reviews you guys have been giving me, especially the repeat reviewers, you guys are the glue that holds Ani-Date together. Sorry it took so long to do this, but I got writer's block when I got to Walter and left it sitting for a few weeks. Funny how when I actually did come up with a joke for him it wasn't the one I used. The first one had something to do with the line, "I'll show her MY halcannon." But anyway, enough gibberish, next time on the Ani-Date Files: Ruroni Kenshin! Prepare for more random appearances and the term "Pookie" tossed around like a cheap hooker.


	6. Ruroni Kenshin

**Disclaimer: Alright, now before you guys decide to draw and quarter me here it is, the Ruroni Kenshin Ani-Date, after long months in the works I have decided to just let someone else write it! So without further ado, I bring back my wonderfully talented and lovely assistant, The Narrator-sama! In fact, I pretty much let her write this whole thing because despite my amazing fan-fic, Confessions of a Dangerous Hairstyle (--------------Shameless plug!), I know pretty much absolutely nothing about it. So here ya go! Oh, and I don't own it either.**

**Disclaimer 2: Instead of correcting the afore written disclaimer, I'll just add this other one. It seems Narrator-sama is unable to finish anything after Karou and Kenshin, so I'll do it myself. Sorry for any inconveniences this may cause, like undoubtedly perverted humor and the like. My sense of humor is slightly different than Narrator-sama's. But hell, this is my story, I'll be dirty if I wanna!**

**Disclaimer 3: After months of writers block she beat me senseless and wrote most of Yahiko's and all of Saitou's for me. Such a sweet sweet painful girl Narrator-sama.**

**Ani-Date:**

**Ruroni Kenshin**

**by**

**The Narrator**

**&**

**C M Forde**

Video #784: Himura Kenshin

A petite redhead clad in a ragged magenta gi and white hakama walks on camera and sits unobtrusively in the chair. Violet eyes peer innocently at the camera and blink ever-so cutely. A cross-shaped scar mysteriously enhances the delicate face.

"So, tell us...um...uh..." the employee begins.

"This unworthy one's name is Kenshin," the redhead prompts politely in a gentle voice.

"I _know_ that," the employee retorts, "I just so sick and tired of these androgynous-type people sitting in front of this camera! I can't be polite, sir/ma'am, if I'm not sure which one you are!!"

Golden eyes flash and a hand goes to the hilt of a here-to-fore unmentioned sword. "This unworthy one has taken enough _crap about my looks! _Screw ten years on non-killing, Battousai's not taking this anymore!"

Thankfully, before the slaughter can begin, a bokken descends on the redhead, smashing him into oblivion.

"Oroooo!" Kenshin yelps, going swirly-eyed.

"Kenshin no baka!" a raven-haired beauty with flashing sapphire eyes proclaims as she stands over him, "Don't even think about becoming Battousai when I'm around!" She hauls Kenshin up by his ponytail and begins to stomp off the stage.

"Er, ma'am?"

"What do you want?"

"Who are you?"

"His wife."

"Oh...."

Video #785: Kamiya Kaoru

A girl with long black hair tied back in a ribbon stomps into view and sits down in front of the camera in a huff. Her fists are balled and pressing into the lavender silk of her kimono, as though she cannot wait to beat the ever living crap out someone. She glares at the camera.

"S-so, ma'am...." the employee begins nervously.

"You were trying to set my husband up with someone else, weren't you?" Kaoru growls without preliminaries.

"Aaah..." the employee says.

Kaoru stands up and gets _extremely _close to the camera. "See this?" she says raising her left fist in front of the lens. She points to a golden band on her ring finger. "Kenshin, mine. Any questions?"

"N-no..."

"Good." And she skips off camera, all sparkles and sunshine.

Video #786: Sagara Sanosuke

In front of the camera sits a tall man with a charming smile somewhat destroyed by the fact that he's chewing on the bones of a dead fish. His hair is quite spiky, even roosterish one might say, and a red headband is tied tightly around his brow to show off just how bad ass he really is. "Alright, let's get this thing started."

"Alright sir, please state your name."

"I'm Sagara Sanosuke, and I'm the guy for you."

"How so sir?"

"No, I'm not the guy for you weirdo, I'm the guy for them."

"Oh, you mean the women watching."

"Yeah, those girls out there who now how to [Expletive deleted]."

"Sir! You shouldn't speak like that on camera!"

"What? A guy can't like a good [Expletive deleted]?"

"Sir!"

"What? I just want a nice slow [Expletive deleted] with a sweet young thing. One with a big rack and a tight [Expletive deleted]. Who's got some gyration in those hips." He puts his hands out and starts thrusting with his crotch, "Yeah, just like that. Yeah, you like that? You do don't you? You like that in your [Expletive deleted]. Yeah? You want some more? Tell me you want it. Tell me. Tell me who's your daddy. Who is it? Huh? Yeah, Sano's your daddy. That's right..." Around that time the camera shuts off.

Video #787: Takani Megumi (The most responded to Ani-Date Video in the archive)

There's something about the way this one moves, the way her long black hair catches the light, the way her eyes seem to stare right through you. Her kimono is stylish but practical, hanging off of her body like it was a part of her. And something just screamed 'Foxy Lady.' As she took her seat she let out a loud yelp the second her butt hit the chair, hopping up instantaneously. "What was that?" With a grumble she turns around and looks at the chair, putting her hands on her hips. "Who put this here?!" She bent forward to pick something up off of the seat. Now doing this of course raised her backside right to the camera, and if one listened very closely they could hear a chorus of angels singing praise at that fine rump right in front of the lense. She turns around, holding a thumb tack, "Who put this in my chair?!" Then she drops it and frowns, this time bending forward to pick it up off the floor. Quite apparent from the angle of the camera and the low cut neckline of her clothing, Takani Megumi is not wearing a bra. Her breasts sway gently as she picks up the tack and then stands again just as a stream of Ani-Date Employee nose blood sprays forth from behind the camera. She blinks and then rushes forward, "Somebody get me a hemostat, we've got a bleeder!"

In the background, a manly voice sounding like it has a fish bone in its mouth seems very very happy, "That... was my best prank... ever..."

Video #304: Myojin Yahiko

A short kid with really spiky black hair and a samurai's yellow gi and green hakama, shinai slung across his back, walks onto the frame. His expression bespeaks of a "Don't even _think_ about messing with me!" attitude as he sits down in the chair and glares at the camera. "Let's start this!" He almost growls.

"Alright, you cute little boy you..."

His eyes narrow and he stands on the chair, thrusting his finger towards the camera angrily, "I'M NOT A LITTLE BOY!!!"

There's a slight coughing sound, "Huh, you look pretty little to me..."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

"Nothing, nothing." And then, very softly, "Geeze for such a little kid he's got some big lungs."

The little boy whips the shinai off his back, "ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING CALLED LITTLE!!!! Everybody does it, Stupid Rooster Head, Stupid Busu.....AND EVEN KENSHIN CALLED ME LITTLE!!!"

In the background a soft, "Oro.... He still remembers that?"

The boy dives off the chair and charges towards the camera, fully intent on destroying the one who so called him little, but a white flash appears before him. The man who catches the boy squarely in the forehead with one hand, stopping him cold. The boy wildly swings his shinai at the man, but it misses him by inches. The man shakes his head and chews on his fishbone, "Little brats don't have the right to get pissed off by the truth, Yahiko-_chan!_"

The boy's response is even more wild swings with his weapon, accompanied by a string of words entirely too rated-R for his age.

A third person rushes onto the scene: Kamiya Kaoru. "I heard that, Yahiko!" She grabs him by the ear and yanks him out of the shot. Her shouting voice can heard, fading away, "The second we get back to the dojo, I'm washing your mouth out with soap! And then it's 1000 swings!"

Video #598: Saitou Hajime

A tall, dark, wolfish looking man smoking a cigarette sits in the seat staring at the camera with cold eyes. "You can begin any time."

"Alright, Mr. Saitou. Tell me, what do you look for in a woman?"

Amber eyes blink, puzzled for only a fraction of a second. "What?"

"Sir, you must tell us what you look for in a potential partner or we cannot make this dating video for you."

Now he's a little angry, but he's still one cool, lethal customer. "Why in hell would I want a dating video. I'm already happily married, moron."

"Well then, _Mr._ Saitou, pray tell me why you came to our studio?"

He shrugs. "I received intelligence from an anonymous tipster that Battousai would be here. That idiot needs to finish the duel we started."

"Er, sir, we can't have you doing duels he..."

The whole scene is interrupted by a booming peal of laughter. "OHOHOHOHOHO!" The wall behind Saitou is vaporized in a tremendous roar and cloud of dust. A shapely brunette clad in fishnet stockings, knee high combat boots, blue mini skirt and black halter skips through the destruction, yanking along behind her a very disgruntled (and slightly worse-for-the-wear) dog demon. Kanashimi jumps onto Saitou's shoulders before the infamous Wolf of Mibu can reach for his katana. "Hello, Pookie," she greets him, "I'm thinking I want another puppy for my collection."

The scene fades to black, thank God.

Author's Note: FINALLY! It's been like what? Over a year now? Terribly sorry about it honestly, but I did get it done see! SEE?! Great thanks to Narrator-sama for all her help, checker her out, her account's simply "The Narrator". Really good stuff. Anyway, not quite sure when the next one will be out, or even what it is, but I'll try to make it funny, I won't let Ani-Date die!


End file.
